


Fredalia Are Red, Oranges are Orange

by GlitterSkullFairy



Series: Fear and Courage [1]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Awkward Romance, BAMF Saru, Canon Divergence, Cinnamon Roll Sylvia Tilly, F/M, I'm only guessing how star trek technology works, Interspecies Romance, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, Saru is so beautiful it hurts, So does Saru, Tilly spends too much time in sickbay, Written before season 3 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:35:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28503843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterSkullFairy/pseuds/GlitterSkullFairy
Summary: It started, poetically enough, with fear.Stepping out into the unknown, to meet the future, on a strange and hostile planet without a name.He placed a hand on her shoulder and talked her through her fear so gently that she found she could act in spite of it.  Courage did not replace fear, it only walked alongside it.  And each time that fear reared its head, Tilly looked to Saru, and found courage.Because Saru/Tilly is not yet a thing and I need it to be a thing.
Relationships: Saru/Sylvia Tilly
Series: Fear and Courage [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101461
Comments: 57
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So you know that thing where people tell you if you can’t find what you want to read, write it yourself? I have no idea if anyone else ships this, but I have been nurturing it since episode 2 of series 3 and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. And yes, I know I should probably wait until the series finale, but I’m impatient, dammit.
> 
> If there are any other Saru/Tilly fics out there, please point me in the right direction because my search brought up nothing. If not, then I am proud to launch this tiny little ship off into space. 
> 
> Also, this is my first venture into this fandom, which is mildly terrifying, but I shall endeavour to contain it. ;) Also, I’m going in unbetaed. My unending thanks go to all the supergeeks out there who have collated information and details about all things Star Trek in wikis and reddit posts and saved me a lot of effort. 
> 
> I think that’s enough of my waffling. I’ll get on with the story. (If you can call it that. There’s a lot more romance than plot in this thing.)

It started, poetically enough, with fear.

Stepping out into the unknown, to meet the future, on a strange and hostile planet without a name.

He placed a hand on her shoulder and talked her through her fear so gently that she found she could act in spite of it. Courage did not replace fear, it only walked alongside it. And each time that fear reared its head, Tilly looked to Saru, and found courage. 

His continued faith in her through all that followed gave her a confidence she had only dreamed of. His kindness softened her heart in other ways; his unwavering morality felt good and right. And then there was the strength and grace that tugged at something much more primal within her. She found herself staring at the back of his head as he sat in the captain’s chair, eyes wandering through the lines and creases of his skin, and wondering what it would be like to trace her fingers over them.

Michael noticed something was different about her, because of course she did. Even in the first throes of her own romance, even with her quest for the source of the Burn, she still made time for her friend. At first Tilly admitted that she was interested in someone, but refused to say who. Michael allowed her the secret at the time, knowing that she wouldn't be able to contain it for long.

Then the Verubin Nebula, and Osyraa, and the one thought that kept her fighting all the way was that she had to get back to Saru. Even in his absence, he was the source of all her courage.

Once he was back, she visited him in sickbay where he was being treated for the radiation sickness. He complained of boredom so she agreed to stay and they talked about everything that had happened. It was still so raw, but as always, his presence soothed her. 

Until she got a call from Michael reminding her that they were supposed to meet for dinner.

"It's fine, you go," Saru insisted. "I believe I'm almost done here anyway."

Tilly tapped her communicator. "I'll be right there."

She got to the mess hall to find Michael sitting by herself at the far end. It meant she was less likely to be disturbed by others coming in and using the replicators. "It's quiet. Where is everybody?"

"In bed, probably. Go grab some food and come sit." Tilly wandered over, and Michael kept talking. "Where have you been, anyway?"

"Sickbay. You know, for once Stamets is being completely adorable. He's been flitting back and forth between Hugh and Adira. Computer, chilli con carne with rice, please. And a glass of ice water. Apparently the treatment is boring."

The replicator shimmered, and she took the food back to the table. 

"It is. So boring. Especially when you should be helping on the mission to rescue your friends."

"Yeah, because needlessly dying from an overdose of radiation would have been so helpful."

"I know. I'm sore and tired and exhausted, ignore me."

Tilly sat down. "So why aren't you snuggled up with Book and his fat cat being looked after?"

"Because I wanted to make sure you were okay first."

"I'm good. I mean, yeah, I'm also sore and exhausted, but I got a chance to talk over what happened with the captain and it helped."

"You did good, Tilly."

"I lost control of the ship."

"You got it back. You didn't give up."

"I had help. But yeah, my first experience of command was not my favourite time. Saru says I've learned a lot, and everyone's safe, so at least he doesn't hate me."

"No one hates you, Tilly."

She shrugged. "I know. Everyone was so amazing. But it was just so terrifying, you know?"

"I know."

"But I just kept reminding myself of what he said, that it's okay to be afraid, you just have to contain it. So I focussed on each step and made sure I found a way back to him. Them. Back to them." Michael paused and looked curiously at her, and she realised that correcting her slip had only drawn more attention to it.

"Seriously? That's your crush? Saru?"

"Oh, crap."

Michael's brows creased as she considered it. "Really? I mean, I don't personally get it, but each to their own, I guess."

"I know, right? It's ridiculous. I mean, for a start, he's my superior officer. Which, if that wasn't another huge disaster waiting to happen, there's the whole inter-species hurdle to get over." It was a relief to talk about it. And now that she started it all wanted to spill out at once.

"You do remember who my foster parents were, right?"

"Yeah, sure it works for some people. But they were special. I'm just me. And Saru's so strong and intelligent and kind and beautiful and it's a miracle that he even noticed my existence, let alone trusting me enough to call me first officer. He sees professional potential in me, and maybe, I dunno, friends at a stretch, but what are the chances of someone like him ever falling for someone like me?"

"I think you're forgetting how amazing you are."

"Well, yeah, obviously I'm amazing," she said with a smile. "But he's Kelpien. And I'm…" she gestured at her figure and raised two handfuls of curly locks in the air. "Pretty much the opposite of a traditional Kelpien beauty."

"But then, he's not exactly handsome in the traditional human sense. Presumably you find him physically attractive too?"

She groaned. "He's so beautiful that every time he walks in the room I have this tiny little moment where I forget how to breathe. He's like a work of art. His face, his hands, the way he moves, and oh, god, those eyes. And yes, I completely see your point, attraction doesn't always follow species, but he's never given even the vaguest hint that he might ever look at me that way."

"Yes, but he is the captain. He has to be exceptionally careful about that kind of thing."

"Exactly, he's the captain. And I'm acting first officer. And even if, by some freak anomaly of the universe he did like me that way, there's no way either of us would be able to act on it. So stop trying to encourage me. I just need to suck it up, and wait it out, and distract myself with whatever the universe throws at me next." 

"Sounds like you have a plan."

They ate quietly for a few moments. "Do you think he's all swirly like that everywhere?" Tilly asked suddenly. 

Michael stifled a chuckle behind her hand. "What, you haven't been raiding the databanks for information on Kelpien anatomy yet?"

"I considered it, but decided it was a bad idea. Will you do it for me?"

Michael shrugged. "Don't need to. I already know."

Tilly turned to her with an intent focus. "What? How? I need details. No wait, do I want to know how you know?"

"Relax, it was in sickbay. And I only saw him from the waist up."

"And? No, don't tell me, my mind will go to very bad places. Very, very bad… Well?"

To her utter dismay, Michael just smiled and nodded.

"Oh, fu-"

She was interrupted by the swish of the opening doors. In the silence that followed, Saru glided in and made his way over the replicators at the far end of the room. 

"Breathe," Michael whispered.

Tilly exhaled slowly, her gaze still fixed on his back. She didn't dare say anything. He took his food and approached them.

"Commander. Number One. May I join you?"

Tilly let out a tiny squeak. It had been fine when it was just her secret crush, but now that she had confessed, it felt like it was out there and somehow he'd be able to see it.

Michael gestured to the empty seat. "Please."

"Are you alright Ensign Tilly?" Saru asked as he sat down, a series of fluid movements that made her question the oxygen output of the life support systems.

"Yes sir. Sorry sir." She cleared her throat. 

"Are you sure? You look a little flushed. Do I need to send you to medical?"

"No. Just the um… food's a touch spicy is all."

"You've hardly eaten."

"It's just been a really long day… week? How long is it since I slept?"

"Nutrition is important. Especially after such a trying mission. I myself am currently under doctor's orders to eat well to restore my strength and then continue resting. If you don't like what you have, perhaps I may suggest an alternative?"

"Um…"

"Here. Try some of mine." He pushed his tray a few inches closer to her.

She picked up her fork and looked at the heap of green. It looked like seaweed. But she couldn't insult him by not accepting, so she took a small amount and raised it to her mouth.

It was surprisingly good- salty and unexpectedly crispy. "Mm. I think I like it."

He nodded approval. Saru didn't exactly smile, but there was something in the angle of his head and the softening of his eyes that suggested he was pleased. "Well, in that case, please continue. I'll go and get another helping for myself."

She couldn't help but get caught up in the sway of his arms behind him as he walked back across the mess hall. Michael nudged her arm and brought her out of the trance. 

Tilly looked at her in panic. "Michael!" she hissed. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, for a start, eat your seaweed. And work on your plan." She refrained from saying too much. Saru was probably too polite to listen in, but he did have exceptional hearing.

"Right. Professional. I can do that." She pushed her first tray out of the way and carried on eating her seaweed. There was another delicate flavour underneath that she couldn't quite identify. Saru returned and she kept her eyes on her food as he sat down, trying to avoid the distraction. 

"I'm glad you like it. Now that Kaminar is part of the Federation, we have many more of their dishes on file. I'm able to feast on all kinds of my native delicacies."

"Wait, this is Kelpien food?"

"Yes. The recipes have altered a little over the centuries, but the basic ingredients are the same. The flavours are very familiar."

"Tastes like home."

He gave another short nod, with a quiet hum and started eating. Tilly found herself looking at his hands, wondering how it would feel to hold one of them and run her fingers over the ridges.

"I still order Vulcan food sometimes for the same reason," Michael said. "Hey, Tilly, if you had to pick one food from earth as your absolute favourite, what would it be?"

"You mean besides ice-cream?" she laughed.

"I like ice-cream," Saru said simply. "Chocolate is my favourite."

"Really?"

"Mm. The mint one is refreshing too."

Michael put down her fork on an empty plate. "Well, I think I might leave you guys to finish up. Think I'll go work on that cat thing you suggested earlier."

Tilly shot her a look of panic as she stood up. "You're leaving already?"

"I can't help it if you're a slow eater. And late. Besides, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my eyes open."

Tilly just glared, and Michael picked up her tray and walked off. Not knowing what else to do, Tilly continued eating, but could barely taste the food. Her mind was too busy panicking over the fact that she was completely alone with Saru without the buffer of work to give her professional detachment. And the fact that any notion of him thinking of her in a personal or romantic way was actually absurd in the light of reality. And that she suddenly had no idea how to mask all the feelings that felt like they were about to go supernova somewhere in her torso. What if he noticed?

What if he didn't notice?

It was probably so much better in the long run if he didn't, it was just a stupid crush and she wasn't going to let it affect her judgement. Besides, she had plans. Her own starship. Her own crew.

It wouldn't be with him, though. It wouldn't be this crew.

"The dish is seasoned with the leaves of a particular flower on Kaminar," Saru told her. 

"It's very good. What's it called?" Food was a fairly safe topic of conversation right?

"Say-navu," he answered so smoothly that it sent unexpected tingles all the way down her spine. "The flower itself is a deep orange, and we use the same word to describe the colour."

"Kinda like we use orange for both the fruit and the colour too."

"Indeed."

She wanted to keep the conversation going, but she couldn't think of anything else to say. At least not anything that could be considered remotely appropriate. Probably best to keep the focus on work, like Michael said. Except she'd already unloaded most of that stuff on him while he was lying on a bed in sickbay. 

"It's been difficult, being the only one of my species for so long," he said. "I always felt that I didn't quite fit in."

"I know how that feels," she said without thinking. Crap, now it's getting personal. And that was insensitive, right? "I mean, not exactly. I just always had a hard time making friends as a kid. It's not even on the same scale as what it must have been like for you."

"I find that hard to imagine. You always seem to have a great deal of kindness for others."

She felt herself blushing harder. "That's nice of you to say, sir. The universe would be a much better place if all it took was kindness."

"Very true. Unfortunately so."

She caught herself gazing at him again, her eyes trailing over the lines on his forehead the extended corners of his mouth. "Sorry. Didn't mean to get all gloomy and philosophical on you."

"I believe I'm the one who started it. But I do wonder, now that I have the chance to see my people again, if they will accept me either. I've changed so much in the last few years. And they've changed too. Will home still feel like home, do you think?"

"I think that's a question we've all been asking ourselves. But then again none of us dropped an evolution bomb on our planet before we left, so…"

He made a soft sound, and it took her a moment to realise it was a chuckle. "Well, that's one way to describe it."

"I don't know what you'll find if you head back to Kaminar. Earth had changed a lot too, but there were still little pieces of the familiar. I hope you find some of that."

"Hmm." It was an agreeable sort of hum.

"And even if it has changed, just remember that you've changed too. And different isn't always bad. You might find you fit together in unexpected ways." Poor choice of words. She focussed on her food again, trying to banish the mental images of the ways he might fit together with her. Not now, not while he's sitting right there.

"I knew I could rely on you for a hopeful perspective," he said. The praise both thrilled and panicked her. He was so sweet, and he always made her feel so good about herself, gave her such confidence. Still, letting him make her feel good was a dangerous game. He was still her captain, and she had to keep her urges under control.

She glanced up again, to find him looking back at her, his head tilted with curiosity, his eyes so brightly blue she couldn't look away. 

Damn uncontrollable urges.

"Are you sure you're quite all right Ensign? Only, if you'll forgive me for saying, your temperature seems to be raised."

She put down her fork, feeling flustered. "My- sorry, what?"

"Apologies. I hope you understand I only mention this out of concern for welfare, as I know some humans might find it intrusive, but I see a wider spectrum of colours, including infrared, and you're, well… hotter than you normally appear."

Tilly was very glad she had stopped eating as the words would certainly have made her choke. "You can see that," she blurted. "Okay, you know what, on second thoughts maybe I should head back to sickbay. Just to get checked out. In fact I think I'll go straight away." She stood up, unable to look at him any longer. "Thank you, sir. Excuse me."

She quickly dumped her trays and started walking back towards her quarters, but then realised he might check up to make sure she was okay, so she turned and headed to sickbay instead.

Doctor Culber was still hanging around, but out of bed now. Great. She was hoping she could just get by with having one of the nurses give her a quick scan and the all clear, but Hugh greeted her with a smile and she couldn't ignore him. "Hey. What are you still doing here? And how is your husband even letting you out of his sight?"

"I told him to take Adira back to their quarters and make sure they ate before bed. I just needed to spend a minute catching up with myself. Is everything okay?"

"I think so. Just a little run down, I guess. It's been quite a day."

"Tell me about it," he groaned, and patted one of the beds. "Take a seat."

She hopped up and waited while he scanned her with a tricorder. "Aren't those obsolete?" she asked, pointing at the small cylinder.

"Old habits. I got Adira to adapt the interface so I can use the updated technology but still hold onto something. I've found some of our crew find it reassuring."

"You should get it to make the whirry noise. That would be reassuring."

"Good idea. Well, you have elevated stress levels, but nothing out of the ordinary. Anything you wanna talk about?"

"Uh, nothing I can't handle. I think. I wouldn't be here except the Captain was concerned I might be under the weather, so I promised I'd get the once over."

"Okay. Can I ask what gave him cause for concern?"

"He… um… apparently he can see infrared?"

"That's true. Sensing heat signatures was part of his species survival techniques. And he noticed you were, uh, running hot?" His mouth was twitching as he fought the need to grin.

"What? Why is that funny?"

"I'm sorry. I'm not judging, really. It's a completely natural physical response."

"What do you mean?"

He put down the scanner. "I think you're experiencing certain feelings."

She feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you mean."

"Of a romantic nature. For the Captain."

"I- I don't… That would be entirely inappropriate."

"Come on. I saw you talking to him earlier. Plus, my husband tells me he's caught you checking out his ass. What there is of it."

"It's not exactly his ass," she sighed, "it's his whole walk, the way his hands sway behind him. It's hypnotic. Ugh." She covered her face with her hands. "I'm doomed. Does everybody know?"

"I haven't heard too much in the way of gossip. Except that you did play chicken against the Emerald Chain to rescue him, so a few people might have figured it out."

"Oh god. What am I going to do?"

"Well, you wouldn't be the first person in Starfleet to fall for a senior officer. I prescribe at least three corny romantic holos and large helpings of chocolate ice-cream."

She whined. "He said chocolate is his favourite ice-cream. There's no escaping this, is there? I've just got to go through it and get over it. Hopefully the mortifying levels of embarrassment will help with that."

"You'll be fine. And if it gets worse before it gets better, we're all here for you. Discovery is family now."

"Thanks, Doc. Now, go home, get your fussy husband to feed you and get some sleep. That's an order."

"Yes, sir!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to get one more chapter out before the season finale. Which, for reasons, I'm not actually going to get to watch until Saturday- argh! This may turn out to be canon divergent, but whatever.
> 
> A HUGE thank you goes to the awesome Vulvadon, who just binge-watched the entire three seasons and is now betaing for me.

Saru paced the ready room, trying to think. There were no acceptable answers to his problem, yet he refused to admit defeat. He had been in more difficult situations than this and succeeded; he'd achieved the impossible more than once. He wasn't going to let his career and all that he had to offer the galaxy get derailed because of a simple infatuation.

At least he hoped it was just an infatuation. He'd experienced the feeling before, but never to this degree. Attraction, for Kelpiens, was strongly linked to breeding because that was what was necessary for the survival of the herd. Or at least it used to be. And strong attachments would interfere with the Great Balance. 

Since joining Starfleet he hadn't had much in the way of opportunities for real romance, but there had been more than a few fleeting liaisons. Being seen as something of an oddity may not have made him appealing to the majority, but it was also a point of interest to others. Fortunately, many of those with heterogeneous appetites were also keenly aware of cultural differences, and he only accepted overtures from those who were patient enough to bear with his caution. Those who pressed matters soon discovered that he was nowhere near as weak as he appeared. Still, he enjoyed those moments where he was able to satisfy his more primitive drives with an enthusiastic participant. 

After vahar'ai he had been in unchartered territory. He had no way of knowing how long he would live, what form that life could take or whether there would be further changes down the line. Now those answers were all readily available in the databanks. He just had to ask.

So why wasn't he asking?

Fear was obviously a factor. His responses may have changed, but he still wasn't completely immune to it. But there were different kinds of fear. This wasn't the hyper-aware-something's-coming fear, or the threat of immediate danger. This was more of an ongoing sense of unease, and it came from within as much as without. He wasn't sure he would like the answers. Or perhaps he would, and then he would come to regret all the things that he had unwittingly given up.

Or might still have to give up.

It was just an attraction, that was all, one that would pass with time. It was perfectly reasonable to assume that attraction would feel different after his evolution, when fear was no longer the driving force of his existence. It left more room for other kinds of feelings, like a desire for more intimate companionship. 

Not that there was any real world potential for acting on that desire, but now that it had come to his attention it was difficult to ignore.

He had given her his food without any thought. It was only after she left that he considered the significance of the gesture. He was inviting her into his family- and not in a paternal or platonic way. Sharing a meal together was one thing, that was simple hospitality, but food from his own plate was another matter. She had accepted without seeming to notice either, which puzzled him. He had observed that courting human couples shared a similar ritual. But then if she had realised after the fact, her embarrassment might explain why she became warm and flushed. 

He stopped by the viewport and knocked his head against the transparent aluminum. Then he did it twice more for good measure.

She was his first officer for goodness sake. And with the state of the universe, and their precarious position within it, he needed to be above reproach- not just for himself, but for the entire crew.

And so he resigned himself to ignore the ridiculous notion and focus on the job at hand. Unfortunately, the job at hand consisted of catching up on the details he'd missed while he was stuck in the nebula and left him with little actual activity. He tried to read the reports that continued to flow in, but kept finding that his mind wandered.

In the end he gave it up. He simply needed to burn off some energy. A long run, perhaps. 

***

Two weeks in dry dock and the crew rotating for some well earned shore leave, and Saru's complication did not seem to be detangling itself. In fact it seemed to be getting worse. They would sit and take tea together in their daily briefings, and sometimes he would feel brave enough to join her for dinner in the mess hall. Tilly would smile and pretend that everything was normal. He was grateful for that, but he was still aware of her discomfort, of the blush on her cheeks. Such beautiful, soft cheeks- was there a parallel world somewhere out there where they could bear the touch of his rough, clawed hands?

Best to stop wondering. 

Soon they would be ready to undertake missions again, and he had concerns that his feelings might compromise his judgement. He debated whether he ought to confess his dilemma to the admiral, but there was a small possibility that he could end up being reassigned, and that would be problematic for the crew, especially as he wouldn't be able to offer an honest explanation. 

No, he would just have to suck it up and get on with what needed to be done. 

***

Their next mission was in response to a distress call from a mining colony on a distant planet. They'd been attacked by raiders who had taken anything useful and used grenades to blow up the rest. 

Tilly led the away team with a few engineers to help speed up the repairs, and Dr. Culber joined them to tend to the injured. The wounds were easy enough to fix and once everyone was mended he went in search of Tilly. Hugh found her in a corner reconstructing one of the replicators, fitting replacement parts into a tangle of wires.

"Hey," he said gently. "Haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?"

"Good. I mean, this equipment is practically antique, somewhere between what I'm used to and what I'm getting used to, which is a little tricky, but I think I got a handle on it." She put down her tools. "It's good to be out helping people, you know?"

"I do. And outside of work?" He leaned on the edge of the deconstructed console. "Are things improving with that other matter we discussed?"

She looked around, but there was no one else to hear. She wiped her hands on a rag; it was hot and dusty in here. "That other matter’ being my totally inappropriate feelings for our brave and beautiful captain?"

Hugh smiled. "That's the one. Any progress?"

"Yes and no. The feelings aren't going anywhere, but I'm learning to live with it. I'm keeping things professional. I can enjoy the time we spend working so closely together. It's enough, most of the time."

"And what happens when it's not enough?"

She smiled at the ceiling. "Chocolate ice-cream. You know they have Kelpien romance novels now? Historical dramas, set while they still hunted, like it was some tragic and heroic backdrop for star-crossed lovers."

Hugh chuckled. "No, I did not know that, but it doesn't surprise me. I've read a few historical romances from when men were forbidden from being together. They're oddly compelling."

"Yeah. So I read some of that, and have a good cry, and daydream about how he's an actual, real hero, and about how beautiful and perfect we could be together. Then I remind myself that I'm being ridiculous and it can never be anything other than what it is, and I squash all that back down and try to be grateful for what I have."

"You're pretty awesome, you know that, right?"

"I do. Michael keeps reminding me. But we're Starfleet, right? We do what we gotta do to survive."

"We do."

Her eyes caught a spark and she reacted quickly, knocking Hugh away from the console just as the outdated equipment caught fire. With all the dust in the air, the flames went up fast and hot, burning their way through her sleeve and sending searing pain up her arm and shoulder. Hugh used his momentum to pull her to the ground and roll her to put out the fire. Snatching off his communicator, he quickly took off his own jacket and threw it over the burning console, damping the flames. 

"Adira!" he shouted, and they came running in and quickly took stock of the situation.

"I got this, you take care of her," they said, reaching into their pack for a dampener.

Hugh tapped his communicator. "Culber to Discovery, two to beam directly to sickbay."

There was no answer, but the next thing he knew, he was surrounded by familiar white walls. He helped a quietly whimpering Tilly onto the bed. He hissed when he saw the extent of the damage. "I'm going to give you something for the pain," he said, and pressed a hypospray to her neck.

"Is everything in order, Doctor Culber?" Saru's voice asked through the comms.

"Small fire. Ensign Tilly is injured but I'm working on-" he jumped as Saru materialised next to him. "It. Sorry, sir, still getting used to those things."

Saru was staring at Tilly, his mouth ajar. "Is she alright?"

"She will be," Hugh said calmly. "Once I can get to the burns." He cut away her jacket, and she winced and whimpered again as it pulled at her wounds.

"Is there any way I can assist?"

"Well, you could try holding her hand."

Saru gaped a little wider, his eyes moving over her skin. She had a regulation blue tank top on underneath, but it left much less of her form to the imagination. She made another tiny sound and he shut his mouth and stood at her side, leaving the doctor room to work. He held out a hand. "Number One?"

She looked at the offering, and then this face, and though she knew she'd regret it later, she placed her hand in his. Her heart pounding in her chest, she let her thumb drag over the tiny ridges along the back of one his fingers. It was even more wonderful than she had imagined. Then she squeezed involuntarily as another wave of pain shot through her other arm. 

"Sorry," she said through clenched teeth.

"Quite alright," he said, his chin lowered in what she was learning to identify as some kind of display of emotion. She still wasn't sure which one yet, though.

"Still hurts?" Hugh asked. "I can give you something a bit stronger if you'd like."

"Would you think I'm a complete wuss if I said yes please?"

He saw her glance at Saru as she asked. "I don't think anyone is gonna think that. You were actually pretty heroic. If you hadn't acted so fast, it would have been me on the bed, and I think I'd have been in a much worse state." He pressed the hypo to her neck again and she sighed. "Coming to my rescue seems to be becoming quite the habit for you."

"You're just saying that to make me look good in front of the Captain."

"Not at all. It's going in my official report."

She chuckled. "Will you also include the part where I overloaded a bunch of ancient wiring like a noob and set the console on fire?"

"That equipment was out of date and should have been replaced years ago. Hardly your fault."

She giggled again, the pain ebbing away to nothing. "I feel floaty." Saru was still holding her hand. She let herself caress his ridges some more. Something cold was pressed to her sore arm, and then there was the tingling of regenerating flesh. Soon it would be over, and then Saru would have to let go.

"There, all done. Although I recommend you get some rest rather than going back out there. Your body has been through a shock."

"Yes, doctor." 

"Does she need to stay here? Or shall I escort her back to her quarters?" Saru enquired. He hadn't let go yet.

"Her quarters should be fine. I can get the computer to monitor her vital signs. Tilly, you might be a little sore when the drugs wear off, but try and get some sleep. Come back in the morning and I'll clear you for duty."

She gave a wobbly salute with her free arm, forgetting for a moment how delicate it was. "Ouch," she said, and carefully rose to her feet again, swaying slightly. Saru let go so he could use both hands to steady her. She fought the urge to lean into his shoulder and be held, but it took all of her willpower to do so. She thought about asking for his hand back, but that would be inappropriate, surely.

"That'll be the drugs," Hugh explained. 

"It might be easier to teleport," Saru said.

"Best not to risk it so soon after the regeneration. We don't want to scramble her atoms when we've only just put them back together. Give her an arm to hold onto, and take it slow, you'll get there."

"Thank you, Doctor," he said, offering an elbow.

"Yes," Tilly agreed emphatically. "Thank you, Doctor Hugh." She giggled again, and took Saru's arm.

They got a few looks on their way to her quarters. She couldn't stop talking. She started by suggesting atmospheric stabilizers for the mining colony, or at least scrubbers to get all the flammable dust out of the air although they would need to be cleaned out daily, maybe twice or else they might fail and then it would be even worse.

She stopped suddenly. "Oh! My hair! Did I set my hair on fire?" She patted her head, and was pleased to find it still there. 

"No, it's still all there," Saru reassured her. 

"I think I might have singed the ends." She turned her head and sniffed. "Yep. Definitely burnt hair smell. Not one of my favourites."

"One I'm somewhat less familiar with. Why so nervous, Number One?"

"I'm talking again, aren't I?"

"It's fine. I know it helps. It's natural for the fear to take time to abate after the event has passed."

"Yes. That must be it. Still in shock, or something." _And nothing at all to do with you showing up and taking care of me and letting me touch you, and god Culber is a devious genius,_ she added mentally. At least she really hoped it was mentally.

"Don't worry about the repairs. I'll be in touch with the team and make sure it's all taken care of. Ah, here we are."

They'd reached her room. He pressed the lock pad, but hovered in the doorway.

"Aren't you going to tuck me in?"

"I think, under the circumstances, that might not be the most prudent course of action."

"Are there circumstances?"

He took a breath to speak, but appeared to change his mind at the last minute. "Sleep well, Number One."

She patted his arm and slowly let go, trailing her fingers over his hand one last time. As she stepped into the room, it felt like they were saying goodnight at the end of a date. And was it her imagination, or did his fingers linger on hers for a moment longer than was necessary? 

He nodded once more and shut the door.

Tilly fell down on her bed and took a deep breath, and counted slowly to ten. It didn't help. She squealed excitedly and beat her fists on the pillow. She knew she was being completely unrealistic, but she couldn't help but enjoy how good it felt. Holding hands. Walking together. The fact that he was there for her when she was hurting. Probably just out of general concern, it wasn't anything special.

Except that it was special for her.

As she carefully went over each moment in her mind, trying to cling to every detail of the memory, she realised that she was in trouble. This went deeper than a crush.

Down the hallway, Saru hid in an empty turbo lift and thumped his head against the wall. He had indulged himself and could already see that it was affecting his judgement. 

He was going to have to confess to the admiral.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got to see the finale last night, so obviously this now counts as canon divergent. But I'm going to carry on from where I started anyway, because it's fanfic and I can do that.
> 
> Also, I have decided that I from now on I am going to refer to my ship as Silly. Because.
> 
> Thank you to the lovely Vulvadon who has helped me wrestle the follow chapter into some semblance of order. We will be dipping into some mild angst today but there will be a hopeful ending.

Saru gazed out into the depths of space through the viewport. Admiral Vance looked at him expectantly. 

"What's bothering you, Captain? Why did you ask to see me in person?"

"I find myself in a difficult position, sir. Of a personal nature, which I feel may compromise my judgement."

"Please tell me this doesn't involve Commander Burnham."

"It does not."

Vance exhaled. "Well, that's a relief. Who does it involve?"

"First of all I want to be clear that although she may suspect my feelings for her, the subject has never been discussed. I have been very discreet, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to remain so, and I thought it best to inform you before it became an unmanageable situation."

Admiral Vance stepped closer and shared the view. “I see. So you've developed romantic feelings for your first officer."

"It's such a terrible cliche, I know. But I am prepared to bear the consequences. I understand if you feel the need to reassign me."

"Out of the question."

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

"The rules against personal relationships haven't been enforced for centuries. When you're out among the stars for years on end, things happen."

"But there is no relationship. It's just me. And I am emotionally compromised. She was injured on an away mission, and I… well, I made an utter fool of myself."

"Nevertheless, I can't put anyone else in charge of Discovery. No one from your crew is fit for that particular role, and it would take time we don't have for an outsider to integrate with your unique dynamics. No, you're too valuable to me where you are. But now that you've admitted to me that you're compromised, I need to take action against any potential conflicts of interest that could arise. If you feel that you need to distance yourself from her, then the solution is obvious. It was only ever a temporary position, after all."

Saru sighed. "It seems unfair to her. She's been doing so well. And I won't be able to give her an explanation."

"Of course it means we must reinstate Commander Burnham. It should be a simple matter to put the right spin on it in light of recent events. But, as you say, Ensign Tilly has handled herself remarkably well under the circumstances. Perhaps a promotion to lieutenant would soften the blow? It would have to come from me, obviously, but she's certainly earned it."

"As much as it pains me, I think that would be best. I cannot continue the way things stand. I'll end up making mistakes, and that could cost lives."

"I'm glad you understand. Has she given you any indication that she might reciprocate your feelings?"

"No, I don't believe it to be the case."

"Let me know if the situation changes. I'm sure your ship's doctor has brought himself up to date on the biological developments of your species. Make sure you consult with him, too, should the need arise."

"The need for…? Oh. I see."

"I wouldn't want you to do anything that could be considered coercion. You're in a position of authority."

"I am very aware."

"But, if she were to broach the subject herself…"

"I hardly think it likely. But I appreciate the concession."

"We all need a little hope. Have Tilly and Burnham meet us back here at sixteen hundred. We'll do it then. Will that be all?"

"Yes sir. Thank you sir."

***

Tilly felt nervous about meeting the admiral, but when Michael turned up at their shared quarters at the same time to make herself presentable, her stomach knotted. "You mean we're meeting him together? That can't be good."

"Why not?"

"Because I've been doing your job, and if they want us both there together, then the logical assumption is that they're gonna give it back to you."

"No, they wouldn't do that, not yet. Not after I disobeyed direct orders."

"I let Discovery get taken over by the Emerald Chain."

"The important thing is, we got her _back."_

Tilly sank down onto her bed. "I'm not ready. I thought I had more time than this. I thought… Crap! It's fine. It's better this way."

Michael sat down next to her. "I'm sorry. And for what it's worth, I think you made an outstanding first officer."

Tilly took her hand. "It's not your fault. Look, I felt really bad when he offered me the position, I felt like I was stealing it from you, but you supported me then, and I'm going to support you now. I know I'm not ready for that much responsibility, not on a permanent basis anyway, I'm just…"

"You're just upset that you won't get to see as much of the captain."

She nodded. "But I can't think about that now, because I'm not going to turn up in front of the admiral all red eyed and weepy."

"Good. Because if you start crying, I'm gonna start too."

"Fine. We can bawl our eyes out later."

"I'll make sure there's ice-cream."

***

Tilly held it together through the meeting valiantly, but as soon as she could she beamed straight back to her quarters. Guessing where she went, Michael followed a moment later. She was surprised to find her pacing the room with her hands balled into fists.

"Tilly?"

"How could he do this to me? I know I made mistakes, but it’s not fair!"

"Hey, I know you’re upset. Sit down. Talk to me."

They sat on Michael's bed. "Okay, so clearly I'm freaking out here."

"Clearly. Is it the promotion?"

She nodded. "I know I should be grateful. But it just feels like a punch in the gut. Because it shouldn't have come from Admiral Vance, it should have come from my captain. But Saru barely even looked at me. I don't get why…" her voice trailed off. "Oh, no."

"What is it?"

"Do you think he knows?"

"You mean about your feelings for him? How would he?"

"Because, um, I may have flirted outrageously with him while under the influence of some pretty strong medication."

"Oh." Michael looked down.

"I'm not sure though. I mean, at the time I thought he was pretty into it, but that might have just been the drugs." She groaned and hid her face in her hands. "Oh, I'm such an idiot. I've completely embarrassed him and now he can't even look at me."

"I'm sure it's not that bad. He's probably just giving you some space. And you know what Saru's like, he could still be oblivious, and this all just happened because we're good at what we do."

Tilly looked at her and burst out laughing. "Nice try."

"We're not that bad!"

"We're lucky Starfleet need all the officers they can get right now."

"I may need to rethink my position on following orders."

"And I may need to rethink my position on clinging to the captain like some kind of limpet while not fully dressed."

Michael chuckled. "You really did that? And he didn't implode?"

"Doc had to get my uniform off to deal with the burns. And then he told Saru to hold my hand. Oh, Michael, it was amazing. And then he brought me back here, and for a second I thought he didn't want to let go either. But I guess it was all in my head." She sighed.

"Is it time for ice-cream now?"

"Yes. Absolutely. Bring me all the ice-cream. And all the alcohol."

"It's synthehol now."

Tilly dropped her face back into her hands. "The future sucks."

***

Saru sighed with relief as he sank his bare hooves into the soft moss carpet of his cabin. It wasn't that the boots were painful, it just felt good to get them off after a long day like this.

He couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong. All logical arguments agreed that he'd made the right choice, but he had grown up learning to trust his instincts for his very survival, and they were not easily ignored.

He had taken the only reasonable option, but that didn't make it any easier. He could hardly bear to look at her during her promotion. She was so stiff, so quiet- all of her usual energy stilled and cold. He knew he'd hurt her. It broke his heart, but it was safer that way. 

He had to move on. 

He wasn't even sure that he could. 

Overcome with frustration, he grabbed one of his flower pots and hurled it across the room. It exploded against the wall in a very satisfying burst of shards and soil.

That was the other thing. Vahar'ai had altered him in profound ways that he hadn't even discovered yet. His emotions were often overwhelming and confusing. Before, his caution had guided every decision, every potential threat was considered and every action calculated. Now he found himself becoming impulsive, volatile. He was still getting used to the intensity of his feelings without the balancing influence of continual fear, and that went double for his romantic attraction. 

He should never have rushed to sickbay. He should never have held her hand, despite what the doctor said. It was inappropriate. But her skin had been so soft and strangely smooth, and she had caressed his fingers like a lover would, completely unaware of the desires it conjured in him. 

No, taking a step back was the only sensible response. It just hurt so much more now than it did before.

He went over to the smashed pot and carefully extracted the red flower. Remarkably, it had survived, though two of its petals now lay in the dirt. "My dear fredalia," he said softly, "have I put you through your own vahar'ai?"

He found a space in another pot alongside others of its own kind, and tenderly settled it into the new home, ensuring the roots went deep and giving it extra water. There were roots that needed soil, and roots that needed space. Though his fredalia thrived in each other's company, he would never truly belong among his own people. Not anymore.

He looked over at the mess he'd made.

He had to stop hiding from what he had become, he mused as he picked up the pieces. What he created on his homeworld. He had to face the facts. Su’Kal had lived over a hundred years. He might have as many left himself, or he might even more. He might still be able to raise a family after all.

There might even be precedents for inter-species relationships.

Perhaps leave that one for now. Focus on what is.

He grabbed a bottle of brandy he'd been saving for a special occasion, sat in his bunk, and brought up the files.

***

Saru woke up with a terrible headache. Half the bottle of brandy was gone. He couldn't remember going to sleep. He could remember that barring any accidents he had a significant number of years ahead of him. His life expectancy was longer than a human's, but only by a few decades. (Just the right amount of time for him to grow old with someone twenty years his junior, a fact that wasn't easily dismissed.)

He still had a whole lifetime.

Also he may have fallen into a research wormhole about human courtship and relationship practices. 

He forced himself to get up, spent a good ten minutes in the shower and put on a fresh uniform. Breakfast didn't feel like a good idea right now, so he made do with water and went straight to the bridge and his ready room. 

Burnham arrived soon after with a tray of tea. "Good morning, Captain," she said, all too cheerily.

He stifled a groan, and managed to turn it into a semblance of a greeting.

"Uh-oh. You look like crap."

"It's good to know that you're showing respect for the chain of command on your first day back on the job, Number One."

"Sorry, sir. Let me rephrase that. You don't look well. Should I call Doctor Culber?" She put the tray down on his desk.

"I'll be fine. The tea should help. Thank you for bringing it."

"Tilly said you enjoyed it. Thought I'd carry on the tradition."

He winced at the mention of her name, but poured a cup and sipped it gratefully. "That's very thoughtful. It's appreciated."

"Are you sure you're okay? Because I don't want to have to drag you to sickbay again. And Tilly would kill me if anything happened to you on my first day back."

"It's fine. I am aware of the cause. It won't keep me from my duties and I'm quite certain that I will recover quickly."

"If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were hungover. Wait, are you hungover?"

"Yes. Shall we move on?"

"Why are you hungover?" she insisted.

"Because I found a bottle of brandy and I drank too much of it."

She sank into the chair opposite him. "So you were drinking alone."

"Perhaps I was drinking in an effort to ease myself back into the endless drama of having you back as my first officer," he said pointedly. "Now are there any other inane questions, or can we proceed with the day?"

"Yeah, I got one more. If you're not thrilled by the thought of working with me again, why am I back so soon?"

"Because you've proved that you've learned from your mistakes and are ready to follow orders-"

"Yeah, I heard all that stuff yesterday, it was a stretch then and it looks even shakier today. Is there something going on that I need to know about? Some threat to the Federation that's got you so worried that you're drinking yourself sick? Trust goes two ways, Captain, and I need you to be honest with me."

He sighed and put down his tea. "There's no threat. At least no new ones. You're here because I need you to be. For reasons that are complicated and that I'm not at liberty to discuss at this time."

"Oh my god," Michael said softly. "She was right."

"I'm sorry?"

"This is personal, isn't it? She said something happened."

"Can I trust your discretion?"

"She's my best friend. She's hurt. She should know."

"She cannot know. It's not fair on her. And I… I'm not convinced that it wouldn't just make the whole situation more awkward." He took another sip of tea, cradling the cup in both hands. He didn't want to ask more, but it seemed wise to be sure. "What did she tell you?"

"That she was hurt, and you held her hand."

"She didn't suggest that I behaved inappropriately? That I may have indicated any further intentions?"

"No. She thought at the time that there might be something, but afterwards she convinced herself that it was just the medication."

He sighed with relief. "That's good. That's probably for the best."

"So that's it, then?"

"I couldn't see any other option. I'm truly sorry it had to be that way, but once these kinds of feelings are involved, things can get, well, messy. And none of us have that luxury at the moment."

"Still, you could at least talk to her. Explain that you can still be friends."

"In time, I hope so. But for now, I feel that space is what we both need to get past this. I wouldn't want to embarrass her further."

"Right. Okay. So what else is there to get stuck into?"

"New missions. Diplomacy and exploration."

She scoffed. "Sounds good. Let's see what's out there."

***

The next few weeks were hard on Tilly. She began to doubt herself again and question her abilities. Stamets tried to encourage her, but she couldn't accept it from him. He found she responded better to Adira, but even that was strained. She knew people would be gossiping, and it hurt.

She missed Saru desperately. He hadn't even gone anywhere, he just stopped talking to her on any personal level. When he did speak, it was so cool and professional it broke her heart even more. She missed seeing him enjoy his tea in the mornings. She missed their dinners in the mess hall. Mostly she missed the way he made her feel that everything was going to be okay.

He had to know. It was the only explanation. 

Then one day, as she was heading back down to engineering after lunch, Saru stepped into the turbo lift with her. She felt her chest clench with longing and loss, and pressed her mouth closed on the urge to scream or yell or declare her undying love and devotion. 

It probably wouldn't go down well.

"Lieutenant," he said crisply, completely unaware of how loudly her heart tore in two at his indifference. 

"Captain," she replied, but her voice betrayed her and wavered on the second syllable. 

There was a second's pause, where she considered just beaming out of there, but then he turned and looked at her.

"Are you all right, Lieutenant Tilly?" 

She took a breath to say no, she wasn't anywhere near right, she was a complete mess and it was all his fault. But then she saw him looking at her, his face tilted with real concern, his blue eyes fixing on hers, and all her anger melted away, settling into a warm pool somewhere in her belly. "I- I think I might need to ask to be reassigned. To another ship."

His entire posture stiffened, the silence broken by the wet flick as the spines behind his ears emerged briefly and then retracted again. 

Tilly looked around quickly, but there was nothing to see. "Is something wrong?"

He raised a hand to the side of his head, his eyes lowered self-consciously. "You want to leave Discovery?"

"No. No, I don't want to leave. This is my home. But… do you want me to leave?"

"Me? Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"Look, I know I messed up. And I'm really sorry I embarrassed you. But I can't…" her hands waved in the air as she struggled for the right words, fighting back tears. "It feels like you don't want me around. At all. So if you need me to go, I'll go."

"I don't want you to go. In fact, I would very much prefer you to stay."

"You would?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Well that's okay then. Sir."

"Very good." He turned and faced the doors again. "I'm glad that's settled."

"Yes, sir. Me too sir."

He nodded. The silence stretched out again, but her pain was still tangible and he couldn't ignore it. He couldn't address it, either, so he said the simplest thing that came to his mind. "Do you know, I saw a most amusing video the other day. Someone had programmed one of the interactive consoles to make a moving bump, and put a small kitten on it. The kitten kept chasing the bump back and forth and sliding all over the surface."

"That… sounds adorable," she said, her heart warming. He was trying. "Where did you see that?"

"Mr. Booker keeps sending them to me. I think he's trying to provoke a response, but I'm not sure what kind."

"Maybe he's just being friendly. You should find one to send him back."

"I could forward you a copy, if you like. If it might be something to make you smile."

"I think it would." 

He glanced at her again, and this time she was smiling, and the panic he had felt at the thought of her leaving eased.

The doors opened on engineering. She tried to keep the bounce out of her step, but the soft sound she heard behind her told her Saru had noticed. That was okay. He was talking to her again, and everything was going to be okay. 

***

The cat video was really cute. She watched it about ten times, just because Saru had sent it to her. Then she found another one and sent it back. Her imagination conjured up an image of him sitting at his desk and chuckling quietly. She hoped it made him laugh.

The next morning there was another video waiting for her. She opened it eagerly and her giggling woke Michael. 

"What's so funny?"

"Cat video."

"This early? What is it with everyone I know and cats?"

"Your boyfriend sends them to Captain Saru. And now Saru sends them to me."

Michael sat up and looked at her. "They're cat videos, Tilly. Not love letters."

"I know. But he said he wanted to make me smile. And I know it's not a lot, but it's something."

"I just don't want to see you get your hopes up and then get hurt again."

"I know. And I know he's just being friendly. I just can't help it. I'm hopelessly in love. So I'm going to snatch up all the good that I can and hold onto it and enjoy it, okay?"

"Okay. But if he starts hurting you again, I'm probably going to do something that'll get me demoted back to ensign, so be careful."

"I will."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tilly suffers like a cinnamon roll should, Saru behaves inappropriately, and Hugh continues to be a devious genius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The keen-eyed among you will have spotted that I have marked this as the first part of a series. That's because I'm already writing a sequel. I wanted to keep the first part gen, but the next one will be explicit, because that's the kind of writer I am. If I have corrupted you into sharing my ship, make sure you keep an eye out or subscribe for updates. ;)
> 
> Thank you to all you amazing readers for showing appreciation in whatever ways you do, it means a lot and it has been wonderful to share this romance with you.
> 
> For now, here is the final chapter, where all endings are happy.

This planet was overflowing with life. Tilly, Michael and Adira walked through a maze of enormous trees and colourful undergrowth. As well as large and small leaves in every conceivable shade of green and orange, there were delicate blue and purple flowers. Yellow fungus sprouted from wide tree trunks. There were fauna too, mostly unseen, but often heard. The air was humming with insects and birdsong. 

They were following a small stream with the aim of finding an entrance to a system of caves under the forest. Scans indicated it was near here somewhere, but with all the wild growth it was difficult to pinpoint exactly where it emerged. There were rare minerals in the rock which, in their natural state, resonated in a way that was currently impossible to replicate. 

The main problem was finding a way to cut the crystals out without rendering them inert. Their task was to examine the structure and come up with a practical solution. They were also to take what samples they could for analysis. 

Michael spotted the entrance, a small crack that they had to climb through one at a time, but after a short tunnel it opened up into a glittering cavern. 

"Wow," Adira breathed, moving the camera around. "Discovery, can you see this?"

"We're getting a few images, but it seems the increased crystal resonance is interfering with the signals," Saru's voice crackled through the comms. "But what we can see is rather spectacular."

They spent several minutes marvelling at the beauty of the various structures before they got to work. Michael picked up a few broken fragments and put them into sample containers. Tilly began a more detailed scan, but the sensors kept glitching. 

Adira reached for one of the larger crystals and began to hum.

"Wait, what just happened?" Tilly asked.

"What is it?" Adira stopped humming to see what she was looking at.

"Crap, it's gone again. The signal was getting clearer for a second."

"Hang on. Let me try something." They tried humming again, not a tune this time but an extended note. They went up and down until they found a pitch that seemed to make the crystal sing back.

"Oh my god, that's incredible!" Tilly said as the readings on her screen stabilised. The three quickly got to work, trying out different cutting tools they had brought with them. None of them seemed to make a dent, except for a certain laser that barely scratched the surface. Adira suggested that they could modify it by coupling it with some kind of sonic device, but it would need to be carefully calibrated. 

"Good thinking," Michael said. "We should head home and start working on that."

Tilly was the first to squeeze through the narrow entrance. She found herself humming Adira's tune as she did so. She went quiet as she stepped into the stream. Something about the way it splashed seemed wrong. "Guys, I think we-" 

She faltered as the water twisted around her leg and solidified into some kind of muddy mass that rose up in front of her and opened an orifice filled with sharp teeth. She screamed.

***

Saru heard the cry of distress, and then phaser fire, and didn't stop to ask questions. "Lieutenant Owosekun, get them out of there, now!" he barked, rising from his chair. 

"I've got Tilly, but there's another life sign tangled in hers."

"Then bring them both here." 

"What, to the bridge, sir?" she asked in confusion. 

"Precisely! Right here, right now! Intruder alert!"

His spines clicked out as Tilly materialised on the centre of the room with a mass of muddy tentacles twined around her. Phasers were drawn on all sides, but before anyone could get off a shot Saru's spines were flying towards the creature. It loosened its hold on Tilly and he grabbed it, pulling it off her and throwing it to the ground. Its flesh was more solid now, and he pinned it down with his knees, tearing off tentacles before punching one hand into its central mass and pulling out the first organ he encountered. It stopped moving.

The entire bridge crew watched in stunned silence as he stood, a clear, gelatinous fluid still dripping from his fingers.

"Bring the others home. There could be more of those things out there." His voice was dark. He knelt beside Tilly, cradled her to his chest and beamed out.

"What the hell did I just see?" Bryce asked.

"I don't know, but I'm grabbing the others," Owo said, accessing her console. 

Adira and Burnham appeared, Michael quickly holstering her phaser. "It's dead, right?"

"Very dead," Keyla observed. 

"Where's Tilly? Is she okay?"

Bryce consulted his screen. "The captain took her straight to sickbay."

Michael surveyed the carnage. "What the hell happened?"

"Captain Saru… he went berserk," Keyla said. 

"No, not berserk," Owo corrected. "That was a fierce but targeted attack. He was totally in control, just… super badass. And then he was so different when he picked up Tilly, like-"

"Hey! That's your captain," Michael said sternly. "Save your speculations. And have someone clear up this mess- but keep the pieces. We'll need to analyse them. I'm going to check on Tilly. I'll be right back."

She marched off the bridge. Adira glanced around and scurried after her.

***

Saru laid Tilly on the bed, calling for Doctor Culber. He was already rushing towards them. Tilly's eyes were closed. Her uniform was torn in several places and she was bleeding from most of them. Hugh quickly erected a stasis field around her while he ascertained the extent of the damage.

"Do you know what did this?"

"Nothing I recognised. Its remains are on the bridge."

"I'll need them. There's some kind of venom in her system.

"Is she in danger?"

"She's stable now. It's just venom. A bit of reconstruction. I can fix it, but it might take some time."

Saru nodded. "I'd like to stay, if there's no objection."

"No reason not to. She'll appreciate the company once she's regained consciousness, I'm sure."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Hugh tapped the monitor above her head and a stripe of light started moving over her body. "I'm going to take these readings and start working on an antidote for the venom. She'll be awake soon." He headed back towards his desk.

Saru looked back at Tilly. She seemed so pale and fragile. He wanted nothing more than to hold her hand again, but he thought he'd already exceeded his quota for inappropriate behaviour today. There would be questions about what happened on the bridge, questions he wasn't sure how he was going to answer. He dearly hoped the thing hadn't been sentient.

The doors swished open and Burnham stepped in. "Captain. How is she?"

"She's going to be fine."

"And how are you? I'm told you put on quite the show back there."

"I… may have been a touch overzealous."

"A touch? There's tentacles all over the bridge. There's goo on the ceiling."

Saru looked down at his hands. Some of the goo had wiped off on Tilly's uniform when he carried her, but they were still sticky. "I ought to get cleaned up." His eyes went back to the bed. He didn't want to leave.

Michael followed his gaze. "I could bring you some spare clothes. If you want to stay."

"I'd appreciate that. Commander?"

"It's fine. You stay with her. I'll take care of everything else."

"Thank you. For your understanding."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Up to a point."

"You care about her, don't you? Like, a lot."

"More than I should. I thought you were aware?"

"When you said it was complicated, I thought you meant because she- well. I guess I misunderstood."

"Do you think after today that others will come to the same conclusion?"

"They might. Not that it matters. But when she wakes up, talk to her. She should hear it from you first."

"I'll try."

He waited. Tilly slept, her wounds knitting back together. The moving light stopped. Michael came back with clothes and wipes. She also brought over a stool. He cleaned his hands and face and changed his jacket and then sat down, his fingers resting on the edge of the bed, but not quite touching her. Hugh came back with a hypospray and looked her over.

He frowned. "She should be awake by now."

"Is that the antidote?"

"Yeah." He applied it to her neck and checked the monitors again. "Looks good. I'll give her another ten minutes to see if she wakes up naturally." He smiled, a knowing look in his eye. "You could try holding her hand again."

"I don't see how that would be of any medical benefit."

"People are packages. The body is only one part of the whole. Emotional connections are important too."

Saru looked at him steadily. "Does everyone know, now?"

Hugh smiled. "Adira went straight back to engineering and blurted it all out to Paul, who called me out of sheer excitement. But even if they hadn't, I've been in this job long enough to know the difference between an officer concerned for the safety of one of his crew, and a full-on bedside vigil."

"I should go."

"No, sir. You should stay right where you are."

"Why?"

"Because you don't give up on a bedside vigil halfway through. You want to be here. And she needs to know that."

"I suppose it might be difficult to keep my feelings hidden if it's already the talk of engineering."

"Saru. Trust me. It's going to be okay."

"But I-" he broke off as she stirred. Her hand moved, found his and caught it firmly. She hummed as if in the midst of a happy dream, and slowly opened her eyes. When she worked out where she was, and who she was holding onto, she let go quickly.

She looked from one face to the other, apparently deciding the doctor was the less confusing thing to focus on. "Hi. What am I doing here? Again?"

"You were attacked by something on the planet. You were hurt, but healing now."

"Is that why everything hurts?"

"The creature was venomous. It bit you several times before it was stopped. Would you like some pain relief?"

She glanced quickly at Saru. "I think I can manage without."

"Well, I'd like you to stay put for a while, so let me know if you change your mind. I'll be just over there somewhere." He gave her a subtle wink as he turned away. 

She watched him go, then turned back to Saru, feeling a warm glow on her cheeks. "Captain? What are you doing here?"

"Well, I-" he had no idea how to tell her. "There's a story behind that, of which I'm sure you'll hear many versions by the end of the week. How much do you remember?"

"I stepped out of the cave, and there was this creepy mud monster with lots of teeth. It all gets a bit foggy after that."

He nodded. "We beamed you straight back to Discovery, dispatched your attacker, and brought you here for treatment."

"Okay. That fills some of the gaps. Why are you here?"

"Because it's where I needed to be," he sighed. "Perhaps, if you're going to be here for a while, we could find a way to pass the time. If you'd like the company."

"Yes," she agreed, perhaps a touch too eagerly. "I'd like company. Very much."

"I could read to you. Is there anything in your current library you'd enjoy?"

"Oh, no no no, trust me, you do not want to see my current library."

"No?"

"It's, um… nevermind. Captain, at the risk of making a fool of myself all over again, I'm going to ask you one more time. Why are you here? Don't you have stuff you should be doing?"

"Do you want me to go?"

"No! No, I'm very happy that you're here, I just didn't think… I mean, lately we haven't been…"

"You're confused because I've been avoiding you since the last time you were here, and then I mysteriously turn up at your bedside again."

"Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe avoiding is a strong word, but, yeah."

"No. It's true. I have been avoiding you. I hoped it would make things easier, but that turned out not to be the case."

"I didn't mean to make everything awkward."

"There's more to it than that, I'm afraid. I… I let my feelings get the better of me. I thought that by distancing myself from you I could relieve my emotional entanglement, but the events of today proved otherwise."

She licked her lips and tried to sit up a bit more, but her body wasn't ready so she leaned back again, head spinning. "Doctor!"

He pulled a small cylinder out of his belt and waved it over her. It made a reassuring whirry noise. "You need to stay put," he concluded. 

"Do I have brain damage? Because nothing is making any sense."

"You don't have brain damage. Captain Saru is being deliberately obtuse."

"I thought you weren't listening," Saru said.

"I'm not. I'm taking another educated guess. Are you going to tell her, or do I have to do it for you?"

Saru gave him a stern look. "Would you give us a few moments, Doctor?"

"Yes sir." He walked away. 

Tilly felt a now familiar tight feeling in her chest. He was looking straight at her, but there was no way to tell what he was thinking. Except… was he blushing? 

"Sylvia Tilly…"

"Nuh-uh, nobody calls me by my first name, that's just weird."

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I'm sorry. You were trying to tell me something."

His mouth twitched a few times.

"Am I in trouble again? Is that why you're being all weird and mysterious? Because that's fine, you know, you can totally pull it off, but I've got some kind of mud-monster venom in my brain, and I don't think it's working well enough to pick up on that kind of subtl-"

"I'm in love with you!" he blurted.

Tilly gasped. Her hands covered her open mouth and her eyes went wide.

"I'm sorry. That wasn't… I should go." He stood and turned to leave.

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no!" She reached out and caught his hand as it swayed behind him. He turned back, his face tilted at an angle she read as confused. "No. Stay. Right here. Talk to me." She patted the edge of the bed, and he perched there like a nervous twig. 

"What else is there to say?"

"Um, everything? I mean, really? Me? How-what-why?"

"Why am I in love with you?"

"No, well yes, also another good question, but why didn't you say anything before? And why are you trying to run away from me? And why did you decide to tell me now, when I'm stuck in sickbay looking like a complete disaster with blood and ick all over me?"

"Doctor Culber-"

"Okay, right, yeah, he kind of forced the issue, but I'm very nervous and you know that makes me talkative and did I mention the venom brain?"

He glanced down at his hand. She was still holding it. "I was… retreating… because I wasn't sure how you'd react. And I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable or under pressure."

"Wait, you mean you don't know?" She tried to sit up again, with much the same result as before. Saru put his free hand on her shoulder and guided her back down. She caught that one too. "My dear captain. You're strong, and brave, and kind, and thoughtful. You make me believe in myself, make me feel like I could do anything. You're a real-life hero. You're perfect. Which is all my roundabout, very scared way of telling you that I feel exactly the same way."

"You do?"

"Yes, dumbass, and I was so sure you knew. How did you not know? Everybody knew! I totally suck at being subtle."

"I think I was too absorbed in trying to ignore my own feelings."

"Well, you don't need to do that anymore. I mean, if you want this to be a thing. Please say you want this to be a thing, I know it's going to be next level complicated, but I'm so in love with you and if you love me too we can work it out, can't we?"

"Yes, Tilly. I would very much like this to be a thing. Though I must admit I have no idea what kind of a thing it is."

Tilly laughed. "Hey Doc, am I allowed to kiss the captain?"

Kelpiens kissed too, she knew that from her romance novels.

Hugh walked back towards them. "I don't know, can you sit up without feeling giddy yet?"

"I'm feeling giddy lying down."

"Your vitals are all over the place." He looked at them and then at the ceiling. "Okay. You get one kiss, but keep it short and sweet. I'll be standing by with the defibrillators." He took a few steps away and turned his back.

"If you'd rather wait until you're feeling stronger-"

"Do you want to wait, or are just saying that to be polite? Because I don't want to wait, but if you do want to, then I don't mind-"

He pressed one finger to her lips. They were so soft. Carefully, he cupped her cheek and leaned forward. She wanted to touch his face, to run her fingers over every line, but that could wait. Once she started doing that she wasn't going to let go. And the doctor's orders were short and sweet. She contended herself with his hands instead, feeling each bump like a string of prayer beads.

Her nose brushed over his ridges, which she found oddly alluring but made him pull back and chuckle softly. After a brief recalculation of angles to account for the differences in face shapes, they tried again.

His lips were unlike any she'd kissed before, smooth and solid and altogether alien. He brushed them against hers ever so lightly, as if he were afraid to break her, but then pressed more firmly as he gained confidence. And any remaining doubts she had about the reality of the situation dissolved under the wave of his tenderness. It was only a moment, but it was theirs and it was perfect.

She let out an involuntary whimper and he pulled back, keeping his face close. 

"Did I hurt you?"

"What? No. That was good. That was a happy noise."

He made a small sound too, a hum in the back of his throat that reverberated like a kitten's purr. He moved closer again, his breath on her cheeks, but instead of another kiss he just touched his forehead to hers. "I'm so glad I can make you happy."

She giggled. "You have no idea."

"Okay, break it up, now," Hugh warned as he turned back around. "Tilly, breathe, your heart-rate's going through the roof."

"Party-pooper," she teased, still grinning, but took a few deep breaths anyway to try to calm down. Then she noticed the way Saru was looking at her and felt her chest fluttering.

Hugh sighed over dramatically. "I really don't want to have to break you two up, but I will revoke visiting privileges if I have to."

"Okay, okay, I'm relaxing," Tilly said, closing her eyes. 

"Perhaps I should go," Saru suggested reluctantly. "You need rest."

"Please stay," Tilly said. "At least for a little while."

"Would that be alright, Doctor?"

He looked from one hopeful face to the other. "How am I supposed to say no to you?"

"Well, you did start this, so it's kinda your fault," Tilly said.

"Yes, Doctor, you must take responsibility for your actions."

"Hey, I accept full responsibility for finally getting the two of you to talk. And I'm fully prepared to accept responsibility for providing the necessary support for an inter-species relationship."

Saru groaned. "I have done this kind of thing before, you know."

"Well, I didn't expect you to have been celibate since you left home, but that was before… you know." Hugh grew serious. "Things are different now, but I guess you already know that." 

"I don't think we need to worry about that just yet. One step at a time."

"Oh, yes, totally. Big commitment, not rushing, taking things slow and steady. Got it." 

Saru and Hugh both looked at Tilly.

"What? It's me. I do my homework. I know all about Kelpien," she paused and cleared her throat, "…courtship practices."

Saru was definitely blushing now. The area above his ears was turning a brighter shade of pink. "That's quite reassuring," he said. "And thoughtful. Thank you."

"And when you say homework, I trust you mean real factual sources as well as those novels you mentioned?" Hugh clarified.

"Yes, doctor. I was _very_ thorough."

"Of course you were. I'd still like to talk you both through everything, but that can wait. If you two can promise to behave, I'm going to leave you to rest now."

"I promise."

"So, tell me about these novels," Saru asked curiously. 

"Ugh. It's embarrassing. You'll think it's stupid."

"Now I'm intrigued. You were also secretive about your library earlier."

"I've been reading corny romance novels."

"Ah. Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I've been reading corny _Kelpien_ romance novels."

"Oh. I see." He thought for a moment. "Did any of them involve Sharina and Alistar?"

"I think that one's on my reading list. You know it?"

"There were no Kelpien books when I was young. But we had an oral tradition, passing stories from generation to generation. That was one of our legends. I'm glad to hear it's survived."

"Survived might be stretching it. You haven't seen the things I read."

"If you like, I could tell it to you, and then you could compare."

"That sounds wonderful." 

He stroked her cheek and plucked at one of her ringlets. "Say-navu."

"Hmm?"

"The colour. It's just like the flower."

"I can be your flower," she said dreamily.

"You're tired. You should rest now."

"I can rest while you tell me the story. Stay."

"I'll have to translate as I go along. Let's see. I believe these things begin with 'once upon a time…'" 

Tilly let herself drift off into a sea of brightest blue until she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. Saru carried on with the story, knowing she wouldn't be completely asleep yet, only stopping when she snuffled and started to snore quietly. He bent down and gently kissed her forehead, fingers twisted in her curls. It was an impulse he was going to have to fight to resist once they were on duty again, but he found them utterly entrancing. He wondered what it would be like to wake up surrounded by such vibrant beauty. Their softness, the way they bounced and moved, begging for attention. Everything about her was soft and welcoming. She was so different, and yet they seemed to fit together like interlocking joints. This was a woman who knew fear, and faced it head on, fierce and brave and unyielding. And he had no doubt that, should she choose to commit to him, there would be no obstacles that they couldn’t face together, from without or from within.

Together.

He had come so far and seen so much, travelling through space and time. He had set out on the journey all alone, leaving all that he knew behind him in search of something more. He had changed the destiny of his entire race and lived to see the results. 

There was still a lot that he didn't know, but one thing that the Kelpiens had discovered was that relationships worked differently after vahar'ai. The bonds formed at this stage were strong and permanent. He had tried to convince himself that he hadn't reached that point with Tilly, but his instincts told him otherwise. The doctor seemed to think there was still some choice involved, but Saru knew he had already imprinted on her, so that was that. There would never be anyone else. 

Just his beautiful orange flower. Always.

And whatever the future would hold, they would face it with fear and with courage.


End file.
